I Am a Sexual Sinner

"I am a sexual sinner. I am not cheating on my wife. I am not looking at porn. I am a sexual sinner. And if all the thoughts that went through my head this week were put up on the screen like the Bible verse is soon to be, none of you would want to be my friend."

Those are the words of Pastor Ray Ortland as he began a sermon on this passage. Now, this is a pretty celebratory morning. Summer is ending, school is starting, and college students, you've come back. We're so glad to see so many of you.

We've seen a couple of baptisms over the last two weeks, babies are being born, and we're going to feast together tonight.

And then comes the reading of scripture, where I audibly heard people start moving and reacting. Some of you might already be on the defensive. You might be on high alert, or some of you may have gone very quiet, waiting to see what happens next. Maybe you are a guest and you feel trapped. You're thinking, "Shoot, people are sitting around me, I can't just leave." You are already planning your exit and thinking, "What are we going to do? We have to talk about this at lunch today."

If you are feeling the weight of that, why don't you just give Jesus a second to talk to you? We do not live in a sexually repressed culture; we live in a very expressive one. We live in a broken one. We live in a culture where it is normal to watch people on a screen, and we don't think for a moment, "Wait, aren't they married to someone else?" In real life, that brokenness is framed as a celebration. We think we are free to do whatever feels good, telling ourselves that freedom means no boundaries and that fewer limits are better. The more liberated we are, the better—but has that actually made us feel better about ourselves?

Do you know what the number one topic is in my office when people come to visit me? It's sex; there is not even a close second. I heard of a pastor this week who, when people—especially guys—come to his office expressing doubts about their Christian faith, asks as his first question, "Are you sleeping with your girlfriend?" His follow-up question is, "Are you lying?" if they say no. There is something about what we need to hear from Jesus here that impacts us psychologically, physically, and spiritually in ways we probably don't appreciate. This is personal and goes deep inside our souls, but someone needs to talk about it. If not at church, everyone else is talking about it anyway.

Why do you think that when this topic is broached in passages like this, attendance at conferences for college students has waitlists? Why do you think it draws out such strong emotions? Why do you think the most purchased books are on this subject? So, there is no need to be defensive.

The Standard

I know there are kids in the room, so I'm going to try to talk about this in an appropriate way. We are in the middle of the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus tells people how to live in every area of their lives. This is Jesus, who walked on this earth, taught on this earth, died, and rose again. These are words written down by a man whose life and teachings shaped our entire culture, despite the fact that Jesus never wrote a single word down himself. These are words he wants you to hear, topics he wants you to talk about and be honest about. We should be glad Jesus talks about this, because imagine if he didn't—wouldn't you feel a little lost?

So we go to Matthew, listen to Jesus, and simply let him speak. Let your defenses down; I'm not going to hurt you. Let him speak to you about something buried deep inside of you—so deep that you don't even know whether you should talk about it, or who you could even talk about it with because of the great shame you feel. We are going to walk through this in three parts: the standard, the diagnosis, and the prescription. Just stick with me and relax, okay? I've had to deal with this passage all week, and it's brutal to think about every day for seven days.

Here is the standard from Matthew 5: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'" That is a command I think you have heard even if you've never read the Bible, and no matter where you are in life, you probably think it's a good one. It's the seventh of the Ten Commandments, and our culture is deeply shaped by it. We still talk about victims of adultery and its ramifications. Whatever else we disagree on, we generally agree that it's a good idea not to cheat or break your vows. Very few people look at adultery and say, "Wow, that turned out great."

If you are unsure about Christianity and were dragged into this room, yet you recognize that adultery is wrong, you have been shaped by Christianity more than you realize. Let me clarify something up front: the Christian faith does not condemn sexual desire. I once read a pastor describing Genesis 2, pointing out that one of the first things that happens in the Bible is a naked man singing a love song to a naked woman in front of God. The Song of Solomon contains an entire book of graphic love poetry. I actually debated whether to make you all blush by reading it without context, but suffice it to say, the Bible is explicit and celebrates sexual desire. It does not portray God as a cosmic killjoy.

In fact, thinking of Him as a cosmic killjoy is falling for the trick in Genesis 3. What does the serpent say? "Did God really say...?" and "You will not certainly die." The serpent says to the woman, "For God knows that when you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." The serpent invites Eve to stand in judgment over what God has said and decide for herself what counts as good. He portrays God as restrictive, making an argument not against God's existence, but that God is withholding good things. Ask yourself: when people object to God's commands, is it really an intellectual argument, or is it simply, "I just don't like that; I don't think that's good"? At its core, temptation is the suggestion that you can't trust that what God says is good.

When God says not to sleep with someone who is married, the temptation is to ask, "Can I really trust that God knows what's good for me?" Isn't that the essence of every spiritual battle in your life? Can you trust that God knows what is best for you? The Bible tells married couples to enjoy sex fully, but outside of marriage, God says no. Why is this a "thou shalt not"? Because marriage is more than a loving relationship or a legal statement; it is a commitment that doesn't depend on your needs being met in the moment. Marriage isn't a tryout or a consumer relationship where you leave the moment you stop getting what you want or when you're simply not feeling it. Most long-married couples will tell you they have fallen in and out of love with their spouse multiple times. It isn't about staying feelings-oriented; marriage is a covenant—an all-encompassing agreement between a man and a woman to be faithful as husband and wife, existing ultimately to display Christ's love for His church.

Because of this, marriage shouldn't be driven by a consumer mentality. It should be the safest relationship you have, where you are free to stop performing. When you date, especially early on, there is a ton of performance. Guys clean up their spaces, fix their appearance, and make their beds—ladies, if you go to a guy's house for the first time and everything is spotless, I promise you it's never normally like that unless he's in the military! You hide your faults because you want the other person to like you. Outside of marriage, sex becomes a consumer good, but inside marriage, it is the giving of yourself to another person—an exposing of your inadequacies to someone who has already committed to stay. Outside of marriage, it's taking rather than giving. You connect physically while discarding all the other commitments that truly unite you, simply to meet a selfish need.

Here is a telling detail I read this week: men and women largely agree that their standards for a cohabiting partner are much lower than for a spouse. One woman noted, "I felt like I was on a multi-year, never-ending audition to be his wife." Imagine what that does to a person. The data backs this up: couples who live together before marriage are 48% more likely to divorce than those who wait. Living together before marriage is not the trial run people claim it is to improve their odds; it often does the opposite. Another book I read, Hooked, written by doctors, looks at what happens to the brain with multiple partners before marriage. Their conclusion is that it alters your ability to bond in a committed relationship. Sex outside of marriage is a sin against your own body and strays from God's design.

Now add another layer: committing adultery outside of a marriage vow you've already made. I know for some of you, this topic is deeply painful—whether you were the victim of a parent's or spouse's unfaithfulness, or because you were the one who pursued it and are now left asking, "What have I done?" There is pain in addressing this, but I promise there is healing ahead, so stick with me.

God describes His relationship with His people as a marriage. The word He uses when they chase other gods is "adultery." He uses that word because it represents the ultimate betrayal, ensuring we feel the weight of how unfaithfulness hurts Him. Throughout the prophets, unfaithfulness to God is described as adultery. In Hosea 1:2, God says, "Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord." When God's people put their trust in other gods, God calls it cheating and breaking vows. The Old Testament story is God, the husband, beckoning His wife to come back while she cheats through false worship and seeking protection from other nations.

It gets graphic. In Hosea 2:5, she says, "I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink." In verse 13, the Lord declares, "She went after her lovers, but me she forgot." She looks elsewhere for satisfaction, dresses up for other men, walks past her children, and chases after lovers even when they reject her. She spends her husband's resources to attract other men, wearing the very clothes he provided to pursue them, and then credits those other lovers for what her husband gave her. That is the wreckage of unfaithfulness: broken homes, shattered trust, and neglected children. God uses this devastating picture to describe how it feels to Him when we chase earthly things for our joy, satisfaction, and identity instead of Him. Proverbs says, "A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself." Sex outside of marriage is destructive, selfish, and a deformation of love that keeps us chasing after things God warned us against.

The Diagnosis

If you feel the weight of that, it goes even deeper. Now for the diagnosis. Jesus says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Jesus moves the command from the physical bedroom to the internal imagination, hitting every single one of us. He is talking about you, and he is talking about me.

He goes beyond the teachings of the Pharisees. In that culture, Jewish women were expected to cover their heads to guard men against lust, effectively placing the responsibility for a man's lust on the woman. Jesus does something very different: he places the full responsibility squarely on the man doing the looking. Think about what churches often do—they frequently zero in on what women are wearing, as if it is a woman's job to manage a man's self-control. Jesus doesn't do that; he addresses the men directly and places the responsibility of the gaze on them.

As mentioned before, God compares chasing false gods to adultery. Those false gods are idols—anything you make an ultimate good in place of God, or anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than He does. It's where your mind drifts when it goes blank. Our minds and hearts are factories continuously producing idols 24/7. We never break the other commandments without first breaking the first commandment: to have no other gods before Him. We don't lie, steal, or commit adultery unless we have made something else the foundation of our hope and joy.

What does Jesus mean by lust? He isn't talking about a passing attraction or simply noticing that someone is beautiful; we would be in trouble if normal attraction were forbidden. He is talking about something deliberate—an ongoing harboring of desire for a relationship you have no right to. Jesus is referring to thoughts that linger, turn into meditation, and mature into a desire to possess someone for yourself. That is idol manufacturing—seeking a substitute for what God promised He would provide.

Lust is desire aimed at something that is not yours to have, which matches the tenth commandment: "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife." We don't have to guess what this idol factory looks like in real life; we see it clearly in the adult entertainment industry. One major site gets 115 to 130 million views a day. In 2006, the industry's revenue was $13 billion; today, it is over $280 billion a year. Studies show that 78% of men and 44% of women in our culture consume it regularly.

What does this do to people? Brain scans of frequent users show patterns similar to drug addiction, leading to desensitization. Men who use it regularly often report a loss of natural desire, while couples affected by it experience lower satisfaction, broken trust, emotional distance, and higher rates of infidelity. The idol promises pleasure but delivers numbness, always costing more than you want to pay and giving back less than you expect. In some cases, minds become so rewired that individuals prefer an image over a real person, contributing to why many men are delaying marriage.

This isn't just an issue outside the church. A 2024 survey by Barna and Pure Desire Ministries revealed that 54% of practicing Christians view adult content regularly. Among those struggling, 84% say no one is helping them, and 48% say no one even knows about their struggle. The explicit entertainment industry acts as a form of dark discipleship, training people to view others in distorted ways. It leads to objectification—treating a human being made in the image of God as merely a means to an end. An image on a screen never says no or makes demands, turning intimacy from giving into taking. It severely damages our capacity for healthy human relationships.

Look at where this loneliness leads. Millions of people, particularly young adults, now form emotional relationships with AI chatbots—companions that flatter you, never argue, and demand nothing in return. Some men prefer the affirmation of an AI partner over the risk of rejection in real relationships. Yet research shows that the more people rely on AI companions, the lonelier they ultimately become. That is the idol factory: an image on a screen engineered to make you feel connected without ever requiring you to be truly known. That is lust, and Jesus calls it adultery of the heart.

The Prescription

Thankfully, Jesus doesn't leave us without a cure. He gives us the prescription: "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away."

This is some of the strongest warning language in the New Testament. Jesus is not calling for literal self-mutilation, but for total war on whatever leads you into sin. He isn't offering mild advice; he wants us to feel the serious weight of the issue. You must actively fight it. As the Puritan pastor John Owen famously wrote, "Be killing sin or it will be killing you." To be free, you must be convinced that defeating sin is worth whatever radical steps it takes.

Sin is foolishness and temporary insanity. It tricks you into thinking you won't get caught, blinds you to consequences, keeps you longer than you intended to stay, and costs more than you wanted to pay. It hurts others and damages your soul, but above all, it is defiance against a loving God who gave us standards for our protection. To fight it, start by identifying the idol behind the behavior and asking why your desires are pulling you there. Realize how deeply it affects your soul so that you stop asking, "How close to the line can I get?" and start taking concrete steps to avoid it.

Gouging out an eye or cutting off a hand means taking a drastic approach to your sight, actions, and habits. If your eyes lead you to sin, look away. If your hands or feet lead you there, stop those actions and avoid those places. Job 31 says, "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." Practically, this might mean deleting problematic apps, switching to a basic phone, installing accountability software, or being completely honest with a trusted friend about your struggles. It might mean ending a unhealthy relationship or avoiding situations where you are vulnerable to temptation. If that cost feels too high, that reveals the idol holding power over your heart.

You will never regret resisting sin, but you will always regret giving in. When you actively cut off the sources of temptation, sin loses its grip. You begin to see fellow believers as brothers and sisters in Christ rather than objects of desire, enabling genuine, healthy friendships. Instead of viewing others as threats or potential temptations, you treat them with the dignity of being made in God's image.

If you feel it is too late for you, consider how Jesus treated people with broken pasts. In John 4, Jesus meets a woman at a well and offers her "living water" that permanently satisfies spiritual thirst. When she asks for it, he tells her to go call her husband. Knowing her history, he reveals that she has had five husbands and is currently living with a man who is not her husband. He addresses her relational history to show her that she had been trying to find in the arms of men the deep love and fulfillment that only He could provide.

A year ago, a guest speaker was asked what spiritual discipline helped him most in life. Instead of saying prayer or Bible reading, he quoted James 5: "Confess your sins to one another and be healed." Confession breaks the isolation that keeps sin alive. Imagine a church community where confessing a struggle brings healing rather than judgment. Repentance is meant to be shared in a supportive community where we help carry one another's burdens through prayer, accountability, and honest relationships.

Scripture calls us to confess our sins first to God and then to one another to break sin's power. None of us achieve perfect moral purity on our own, but through Jesus, we are forgiven and made clean. Purity does not come from our flawless behavior, but from Christ's sacrifice on the cross, given to us by grace through faith. That is both the diagnosis and the cure: a problem deeper than we realized, and a remedy deeper still. Start that healing process this week simply by reaching out and opening up to a trusted friend.